The End

Our first round of IVF officially FAILED. I have had a few days of negative pregnancy tests, to which we told ourselves that it was "just to early." Although I did sit and stare at those tests asking what the hell was wrong with them. The second line had to be there. I knew that it was going to be there. Then the spotting and bleeding started. I guess it isn't official til the negative blood test on Monday, but we know that this is it.

We are both absolutely heartsick. Those were our babies. They had our DNA, a gender, a hair color an eye color. They even had a genetically determined personality and now they are gone. We even had their picture. Now we feel as if we have truly "lost" something. Up until now there was nothing and no one to mourn, now that has changed. We go between crying and completely numb. I don't know what to think, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. We just look at each other and feel sad. I feel so unbelievably sad.

I want to find some black hole and climb in where no one can find me. I was to smash every plate in the whole house. I want to scream. I am sad, I am angry, I am sick, I am shattered. I don't even know how I go to the next step from here. Is there even a next step? This was supposed to be the happiest week of my life, and I have never felt so miserable. I not only feel like I am back where I started, I feel like I am 10 steps behind that. After 2+ years, being the best person I could be, helping others, donating half my eggs. Doing every god damned good deed I could think of to get all the karma I could. I got screwed again.

I just knew that this was going to work. There was almost no doubt in my mind. One of those babies was going to stick. In fact more than one was going to stick. I knew it, I felt it. I was so wrong.