What I've Learned from Homer

What I've Learned: Homer Simpson

- When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.
- There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.
- Kids are like monkeys, only louder.
- If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.
- There are many different religions in this world, but if you look at them carefully, you'll see that they all have one thing in common: They were invented by a giant, super intelligent slug named Dennis.
- You should just name your third kid Baby. Trust me -- it'll save you a lot of hassle.
- You can have many different jobs and still be lazy.
- I enjoy the great taste of Duff. Yes, Duff is the only beer for me. Smooth, creamy Duff . . . zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
- You can get free stuff if you mention a product in a magazine interview. Like Chips Ahoy! Cookies.
- You may think it's easier to de-ice your windshield with a flamethrower, but there are repercussions. Serious repercussions.
- There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.
- The intelligent man wins his battles with pointed words. I'm sorry -- I meant sticks. Pointed sticks.
- There are way too many numbers. The world would be a better place if we lost half of them -- starting with 8. I've always hated 8.
- If I had a dollar for every time I heard "My God! He's covered in some sort of goo," I'd be a rich man.
- Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.
- I've climbed the highest mountains . . . fallen down the deepest valleys . . . I've been to Japan and Africa . . . and I've even gone into space. But I'd trade it all for a piece of candy right now.
- Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.
- I don't need a surgeon telling me how to operate on myself.
- Sometimes I think there's no reason to get out of bed . . . then I feel wet, and I realize there is.
- Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It's not funny. It can really happen.
- Even though it is awesome and powerful, I don't take no guff from the ocean.
- I never ate an animal I didn't like.
- A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.
- Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll get a hook caught on his eyelid or something.
- I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.
- Never leave your car keys in a reactor core.
- Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.
- When you borrow something from your neighbor, always do it under the cover of darkness.
- If a spaceship landed and aliens took me back to their planet and made me their leader, and I got to spend the rest of my life eating doughnuts and watching alien dancing girls and ruling with a swift and merciless hand? That would be sweet.
- I may not be the richest man on earth. Or the smartest. Or the handsomest.
- Never throw a butcher knife in anger.
- The office is no place for off-color remarks or offensive jokes. That's why I never go there.
- My favorite color is chocolate.
- Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.
- The hardest thing I've had to face as a father was burying my own child. He climbed back out, but it still hurts.
- If doctors are so right, why am I still alive?
- I'm not afraid to say the word racism, or the words doormat and bee stinger.
- Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants.
- When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn't thinking of us Duff drinkers.
- I love natural disasters because we're allowed to get out of work.
- When I'm dead, I'm going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.
- What kind of fool would leave a pie on a windowsill, anyway?