Last nights wonderful dream

Over the course of years of TTC, people generally find that many things about their daily routine, their hopes, their dreams will change over time. A lot of it is self-preservation. In the early months you visualize yourself holding your baby, singing to him/her and having that feeling of being so in love with this little person. After a while you stop doing that because it hurts too much when the stick shows only one line, month after month after month. You learn (and sometimes your brain does it for you, without your consent) that you have to look out for your own mental health.

I used to have dreams, quite often, about being a mother or being pregnant. I always found them to be so peaceful and so amazing. I would wake up with this happy feeling that would last throughout the day. It was also quite bittersweet because you also realize what you are missing out on. It has been almost a year since I had one of these dreams. They are just too painful. That is until last night.

Now, I am by no means a Freudian. I do not believe that dreams hold some mystical power that we are unaware of. I believe that our brain is trying to find some way of occupying us for the hours we are sleeping. But last night I had one of those dreams that manages to feel so real and so powerful.

I dreamt that I had given birth to a perfect little girl. She has black hair and a chubby face. I could smell her, feel her, hear her. It amazed me how vivid this dream was. I felt like I dreamt it for hours. It was so peaceful spending these few hours as a mother. I guess that we carry our child in our hearts for years before we carry them in our bodies. Yet, we do not have a chance to know them or feel them. As cynical as I am about dreams and their meanings, it was wonderful to get to feel that, even for a little while.