My Losses

I have been thinking a lot lately about the miscarriages that Brian and I have had. The first miscarriage was one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I spent about a month or two mourning my loss and the devestation that losing a child meant. The second miscarriage (that was the loss of our triplet) was one that I did not spend a lot of time mourning. I was so thrilled to be pregnant with twins that I worked very hard to move past the loss. It was not until the birth of my beautiful girls that I started to think about that baby.

I wonder where that baby is. Is he/she in heaven waiting for me? Do I get to meet that little one some day? My nephew often asks me if we chose a name for that baby and I try to explain that we did not know if we were having a boy or a girl, so no we didn't. Now I can't help but wonder whether that little soul was a girl sould or a boy soul. I guess I didn't mourn the loss then so I have to do it now.

It is just strange how the first miscarriage was so devestating and we never had a heartbeat. Then the second loss seemed so much easier even though we did have a heartbeat and growth. Now it seems to hurt a little more. Would my girls have had a brother or a sister?

There are so many questions unanswered and so much pain to work through. I just hope that wherever my little one is s/he knows how much Mommy loves them...