Little Lost Baby

I know this is something I have posted about already and if you are not in the mood for a downer DO NOT READ. I just have been spending some time lately thinking (again) about the babies we have lost. Our first miscarriage was one that devastated me and shook me to my very core. Losing that baby (albeit very early) was probably the hardest thing I ever lived through. I know women miscarry every day and some take it in stride but to me losing a baby after years of trying was just earth-shattering. Somehow when we lost Baby C I did manage to take it in stride. I guess enough people stated the obvious 'at least you have two healthy babies' that I started to believe it.

Now when people say things like can you imagine having 3 or aren't you glad you don't have 3 I just want to cry. I guess seeing the girls growing and turning into little people it reminds me that there is another little person who had a heartbeat, had a body, had Brian and my genes, was a boy or a girl, had a pre-determined hair color, eye color and personality... it just makes me sad that I won't get to know that person. I guess I never grieved properly so I have to do it now. It sometimes makes me sad that we never talk about it. We just think of the girls as twins and nothing more. I can't help but also see them as triplets who lost a sibling. Making I am just emotional about it or maybe it will fade with time but it is just very sad sometimes to think of what could have been.