Not sure why I got on this tangent today. Maybe it was that adorable baby we saw at the mall yesterday? Maybe it was the 6 month old set of twins I saw at CHOP recently? Maybe it's hormones or something? I don't freaking know. But it dawned on me the other day... I might not have any more kids. Maybe my girls really were my miracle babies. Maybe I will do more IVF's and more FET's but will never conceive again. Or worse yet I will and I will suffer another devastating loss.
Why in the hell is it so much harder for us than "normal" people. Normal people have sex, get pregnant, stay pregnant and repeat the cycle as many times as they want. Then there are the people who have to take medications to get pregnant. Then there are those who need to do IUI's in order to get pregnant. Then there are those who do IVF and it works... every time. Then there is us. Four IVF's in total. Two kids we have and two kids we lost. A lot more pain than I can count.
Yes, I know there is a much worse level above us. Those who do IVF's and never conceive. I am not stupid enough to sit here and think I have it so much worse than everyone. I know it could be worse. It just sucks. It should be easier. For me. For the ones who have it worse. For the ones who can't conceive or do time and time again only to lose and lose and lose. It just plain sucks. The world just isn't always fair, is it?
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7 comments:
I totally understand. Your not a bad person for feeling that way..I feel the same. I have 2 beautiful baby girls too, but the scares of IF will never go away. And knowing Ill probably never have any other kids, kills me sometimes. It doesn't make us selfish, it makes us normal. Love and hugs sweetie!!
Interesting that we see an adorable baby at the mall and assume everything is happy and normal with that family. I bet others assume the same when they look at your kids.
Everyone gets their pain from somewhere, whether or not it is observed by someone else. And yes, playing the comparison game doesn't work because it makes you feel guilty. It shouldn't make you feel guilty because your pain is indeed real, but it does. It's at attempt to logically resolve an emotional problem. Emotions are far from logical, and your brain ends up doing strange things in it's attempt to process it.
I think the ultimate goal is to get to a point where you enjoy the blessings you have and not worry about what you might lose or be angry about what's missing. You don't want to be living in fear, for that is paralyzing. And you don't want to be jealous of those around you because that will make you mean and bitter. The latter should be easier to check because you simply don't know what their life is really like, and if you give others the benefit of the doubt, you can have compassion for them. Getting rid of worry is a much more difficult task.
The world is absurdly unfair, but I don't know that that bothers me so much. It's the fact that sometimes I am completely content and at peace with things and other times it all feels so overwhelming. Why do I have such little control over my own self? At why does my own emotional state appear to fluctuate so randomly?
At the very least, life is extremely interesting.
After Tim, I'm afraid to say anything for fear of sounding simple. LOL.
So I'll just send lots of ((hugs)). It isn't fair.
It's nice to scream at the universe from time to time. I truly believe that we get back what we give out but the time lapse between the two can be disheartening. I am a fan of constructive comparisons--as in, "wow, that's a better way to [insert the millions of things that others do better than me here]" but, as my Great Aunt from Texas always said, "you can't measure another man's corn in yer bucket."
Your struggle with fertility and your kids having a few special needs, in my opinion, is a positive one, though it may not seem so now. It begets empowerment, self improvement, strength, motivation, life, and love. I look at the struggles of others, such as addicts, and see only negatives--pain, self loathing, self absorption. You own your brains girl, God owns your soul, and your husband and babies own your heart. You can't ask for much more than that (except maybe pie on Mother's Day).
~Anon C
Yum... pie on mothers day... :D.
Tim - How in the hell did you get so wise man??? What you said about one day feeling content and the next overwhelmed resonated for me in a way I can't describe.
everything I know I learned from my older brother
Tim - I promise I'll keep that a secret from him. :D
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