Here I sit

It's after midnight now and despite trying to sleep it just won't come. How can a day so seemingly ordinary stop me in my tracks so completely. To an onlooker it wouldn't look like much. A crappy day with an appointment too long and a cranky kid. To me it is the culmination of all that plagues me. Two terrible falls on her head. Falls that would send most parents to the emergency room for fear of concussion. Who knows how many concussions my kid will encounter in her lifetime. Feeling so friggin helpless. I am her Mom. I am supposed to be able to stop the tears, avoid the falls and make her life easier. Yet sometimes it feels so in vain.

I know that to some people Abby's issues seem miniscule. So she falls? So she can't walk a straight line without losing her balance? At least she's here and she can talk to me and think. To me they are so big sometimes. Not in terms of who she is but in terms of how much tougher things will be for her. Imagine your child. Imagine that child falling at least once a day on their head. You can't do much to stop it. You can try, but it won't work. You can baby-proof but something will prove un-baby-proof-able. A curb. The step up to your front door. A blanket left on the floor. A toy in the middle of the room. A crack in the sidewalk. How in the hell do I protect her from these things? How do I make her life easier? I know that we do what we can but it is never enough. As a parent there is no such thing as enough. There is always going to feel like there is something you could have done. It is a helpless feeling.

Ok, I needed that vent. I needed a place to put down the vision of my daughter sitting next to me and falling on her head. It is what keeps me up at night. It is what haunts me in those quiet moments. I wish I could daydream or wish them away but it rarely seems to work.

Pity party over. It's about my children. It's isn't about me.