Continuing...

A couple of months after our first failed IVF we decided that we would try a frozen cycle. We only had a couple of frozen embryo's but we were ready to try again. The cycle was much easier than a fresh cycle because there was much less medication. This meant that I felt a lot more like myself. We thawed our 3 totsicles and transferred them in July of 2006. After two weeks of waiting I cheated and took a home pregnancy test and got the shock of my lifetime. Despite not feeling super positive about the cycle I SAW TWO LINES. I shook. I cried. I jumped up and down (and then remembered I was on limited mobility and stopped jumping). It was pure joy. Nothing in the world will ever match that moment when after years of TTC seeing those beautiful two lines. My whole world seemed to shift in that moment.

The pregnancy progresses with some early bumps in the road. Troublesome betas. No heartbeat at the first early ultrasound. Then the betas started climbing and along with them my hopes. On August 2nd we went for our 8 week ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. That day a piece of me died that I will never get back. You hear the word miscarriage but you never fully understand the gravity of what that means until you are sitting on that table hearing those words. I wanted to die. I wanted to be gone and not exist. I know how huge that sounds but that is how it felt. How could I be allowed to get pregnant only to see it fade away. Why had I wasted the past couple of years on my life for something that so obviously would never happen. I was done. I was never trying again. I would never allow myself that kind of pain.

The next couple of months hurt so bad. I have never felt so depressed and so lifeless in my whole life. Nothing mattered. Everything was just going through the motions. I didn't see a whole lot of point in getting out of bed each day. How could something like this have happened to me? Why? Where was the fairness?

Like all of the other times before those feelings slowly faded and I got back to my battle. I knew that I was supposed to keep fighting so we started thinking about maybe, just maybe trying again someday. That's when in a random conversation with someone at the clinic who I had become friends with I found out I could try again for reduced cost. How could I not do this? But how could I handle a third cycle knowing that it would likely fail? Could I put both Brian and I in harms way yet again? How would this effect us?

More tomorrow...