More of the story

Ok, so where was I... oh right. So Eileen informed me that the clinical trial for IVF was full but they were starting a clinical trial for IUI's that month. It would cover THREE rounds of FREE IUI's!!! I matched the criteria of the study and set out to begin our first treatment cycle for infertility. The cycle was filled with bloodwork, pap smears, monitoring, ultrasounds, etc. Despite all of these appointments and poking and prodding I was elated. We were finally DOING SOMETHING. We were moving forward. It was so freeing. The time came and we had our procedure and we waited. It failed. We set out to do cycle number two. Testing. Monitoring. Waiting. Failure. Round Three, same process. Again, failure.

With each passing cycle those terrible feelings of depression, guilt, hate, self-loathing, etc. set in full force. I went from elation to depression. It was terrible.

Over the next seven months it was a roller coaster of emotion. We decided to continue moving ahead with IVF but a lot of pieces had to fall into place. It is expensive. It is time consuming. It chews you up and swallows you down into a dark hole. It consumes all of you. After seven months of just waiting and waiting and waiting we did our first round of IVF. I responded well to the shots I gave myself every day. My eggs looked good. Our embyro's divided well. Two were implanted. I allowed myself the elation again. This was going to be it. This was my golden ticket. I knew it. I felt it deep in my bones. I. Was. Wrong.

I felt like God himself had turned Him back on me. I felt like I was cast aside and deemed unworthy of being a mother. It was a pain like I cannot explain. It just about killed me. I didn't want to try any more. I didn't want to allow myself to hope. I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide there forever. It took me some time but I was ready to try again.

Again, more tomorrow.