Bittersweet

This week Jordan had his final track meet. It was actually more like a fun night for the whole family. Everyone was invited to run some fun races so we all went. In the second heat of the first race lined up to run were Will, Jordan, Grace, Abby, Me then Brian. Jordan's coach assigned the girls and I what he thought was appropriate head starts. I got lined up first then the girls. When the coach moved the girls into position he lined them up right next to each other. At that moment I had the strangest pang of insecurity for Abby. I wanted to say SHE NEEDS A BIGGER HEAD START. But I didn't. I composed myself and reminded myself that she is tough, she is strong and she has no idea what it means to win or lose yet... at least in these terms.

When coach yelled go I watched Will, Jordan and Brian fly by with Gracie following surprisingly close behind. And then there was Abby. Her tiny, scrawny legs in braces. Trying to move her body like everyone else. Getting cheered on by the crowd as it became so obvious in that moment that she has a handicap. I wanted to cry. I didn't. I knew that this moment was good. Gracie was running her first of what will probably be many races (she is fast as lighting already). Abby was having fun which was what mattered. But it was just one of those heart breaking moments where you feel like you are looking into the future of struggles. It hurt. It was bittersweet.

The girls ran in a second race, this time all kids between 2 and 4. Again I watched Gracie fly down the track with the other kids while Abby struggled to make it the 50 meters to the finish line. She got her trophy and was blissfully unaware that she outed herself as the kid with disabilities (until then no one took notice). Which was fine. My kids had fun. We participated as a family. Jordan loved racing his family and watching the girls run. It was just a reminder that in spite of all of our work and effort we can't fix it all.