No control

After the girls were born and we found ourselves in the NICU (which we tried so very hard to avoid) I remember this overwhelming sadness. Some of it was the hormones. Probably a lot of it. But some of it was the lack of control. I hating that when I held my babies or tried to feed them we were surrounded by wires and tubes and machines and nurses who told us what to do. Most of the time I found the nurses and staff so amazing. They helped when we needed help and they supported when we needed support. It was just the fact that we needed the help. A family wants to have their baby (or babies), take them home and begin their lives. Instead we found ourselves bound by the NICU and it's habits and rituals... not our own.

Recently I have found myself feeling some of that same sadness. No parent really has control. I have begun to accept the fact that I have very little. What bothers me right now is that instead of being able to address the girls issues on our own with our own parenting style we must rely on therapists and doctors and protocols. They have issues that create a situation where we can't "parent" it away. Instead we have to use documented strategies provided for us by other people. It is so frustrating.

I feel like I should know what to do. I should know how to handle my own kids without needing a behavioralist. I should be able to use typical parenting strategies not brushes and joint compressions and behavioral techniques. I should be able to rely on SOME of what I read in all those parenting books. This part I would definitely change if I could.