Why

Two weeks ago had I lost these babies I think I would have been okay. The roller coaster ride was intense and the ups and downs were drastic. I was prepared. I was ready. I had my grieving process mapped out and I knew how I would handle it. Then I lost just one baby. I grieved. Probably not as much as what will happen in the future but I grieved the best way I knew how. But I also knew that one baby had been chosen by God to return to heaven so the other could flourish. I was thankful that God chose His will. I found peace in that.

Over the past week or so I have officially bonded with this baby. I didn't let myself before. How could I let myself feel for these babies when it looked, so much of the time, like they would not stay long. I finally let it all in. The idea of a baby in my arms, in my living room, in my life. What car seat would be we use? Where would we move the office to make room? Would we be discussing boy names or girl names? How would the girls react when they knew they were going to have a sister or brother? It was all so exciting.

Then came yesterday. It all crashed down. I laid there on the table and saw that baby move and dance and kick. I pushed away the knowledge that even I knew the sac looked like it was closing in. I started to get nervous when the nurse went to talk to the ultrasound tech with my chart in hand (something they never, ever do at our clinic).

She told me it was 50/50 at best but the rest of the conversation said otherwise. She said things like "miracles can happen" and "we can't do anything but pray" and she asked if we had more embryo's frozen. It all felt like 50/50 would be hugely optimistic.

Now I feel lost. I feel like my hopes were brought just high enough to dash them. I am struggling with finding any purpose in it. Who knows what will happen. Maybe a miracle and maybe not. One more week...