Is this me?

Yup.. another one of these obnoxiously existential posts. I am 34. Existential angst is supposed to be 10 years behind me. But here I sit. I feel like a kid down wearing "mom clothes". 

I got the ugly misshapen t-shirt...

...And post pregnancy jeans 

To prove I ain't who I used to be. 

What the hell happened to me. Some days when I look in the mirror I have to ask if my old, stay up too late with friends, roll out of bed to have a cigarette and cup of coffee for breakfast self is even under the surface any more. If she is, do I still want that to be a part of who I am.  I don't know but I miss her. She was fun. She didn't say things like "if you don't brush your teeth, you'll get cavities". She didn't drive a mini-van. She played her music as loud as her ears could tolerate. She would never have bought probiotics and kefir.  

She does visit us sometimes. She dances with the kids in the kitchen. She occasionally lets the girls eat waffles for dinner. She thinks that bed times are something fluid and changeable. She will even blow off work for a couple hours to paint with her kids. But she doesn't come around that much. 

I guess the question is how do we take the "me" we used to be and have her work with the "me" we are now? Can you be a Mom and still have some level of cool? And no, not hipster, dress in only clothes bought at a vintage store cool. I was never that cool. Nor did I want to be. 

Just trying to make "fun" "cool" and "mom" all work. Failing most days... but still trying. 

**I guess cooking in a pointy witch hat isn't exactly cool.