When infertility attacks

People don't think of a mother of three children as an "infertile". I guess technically when we had the girls we went from "infertile" to "fertility challenged". But somewhere in the back of my mind I will always be the infertile girl going to the IVF clinic day after day after day, getting poke and prodded just for the hopes that someday the news would be good (and stay good). That part of me will never go away. Living through that kind of pain and loss and anxiety isn't something you easily forget.

That being said once you become a mother it softens the memory a bit. Instead of the torturous clinic that I used to see, every time I pass the office I now think of it as the place that gave me my children. But it never goes away completely.

After I got pregnant with Jack we made the decision that we would never do IVF again. The stress and anxiety of the process was too much. Losing Jack's twin and almost losing him was too much to want to put ourselves through it all again. That part of our life was over.

Recently Brian and I were laying in bed, unable to sleep and he says to me "you know, it's a shame we can't have more kids. I would have liked to have another one or two." In that moment I wanted to cry as I managed to squeak out "me too". We both would have loved more kids. We both feel like now that we have hit our rhythm of parenting we're unable to have any more. It seems unfair. Not unfair in the way that it is for people who have no children, but unfair nonetheless.

We often hear how "maybe you'll be one of the lucky ones". Meaning one of the couples who gets pregnant after IVF's. While we realize there is some random, remote possibility... it probably won't be us. With both male and female infertility we hit the infertile backwards lottery. We're okay with it. We are the lucky ones. Despite bad odds we have THREE children. We hit the jackpot. We are rich beyond our wildest expectations in terms of luck. We weren't sure we would have any children, let alone three.

It's just a little sad.