What a couple of months. First we are surprised with a baby we don't get to keep. Then my aunt is diagnosed with cancer. (She is young, has two sweet little girls... just so unfair. Have I mentioned that I hate cancer?) Next, in a place where two of our own family are living and where my daughters coach is running people are killed and hurt and maimed. After that someone who is a member of one of our medical communities goes to wake his sweet little girl only to learn she has passed. The final nail came when I got a text that our school was "sheltering in place" because a suspicious person was in the woods outside of our school.
Some days it just feels like it's crashing down. It makes me so frustrated and scared and mad as hell. It's all so out of control that you just don't know what to make of it. Then things that I feel like I can usually control even feel out of control.
It's maddening. I'm mad at God. I'm mad at life. I'm mad at circumstances that go bad. I'm mad at all of the things that we can't control. I'm mad that people have to learn to pick up the pieces of their life without the loved ones or their legs or a life they once had. I'm mad that cancer keeps picking my family. I'm mad that I now feel incredible guilt over not having a baby that I didn't want in the first place. Like I didn't want it enough or pull for it enough. I'm mad that I feel like a shmuck because how dare I feel such pity for myself when people have died and lost their children.
I guess I just don't know what to make of all of this lately. I know that none of us do. I hear people all the time about how things seem to be worse than they used to be. I always argue that people have been saying that for years and years. "Worse" is a relative thing. But lately I am starting to agree.
I'm trying to look for the silver lining. I watch the stories of heroes and help and healing. The read about people who are overcoming and rebuilding. It just isn't enough right now. Guess it's time for some soul searching.
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