Unequipped

I sat there waiting. I did the research and the thinking and the talking and the hurting. The choice was obvious... birth control. We are the people who survived 3 IUI's, 5 cycles of IVF and four miscarriages... so very little in the world of our reproductive health is obvious. But it felt like the answer SHOULD be so obvious at this point. FOUR miscarriages. FOUR! Way too many to consider every putting ourselves through it again.

After this most recent loss we spent A LOT of time soul searching. If it was humanly possible to get pregnant on our own SHOULD WE? Should we throw our chances to the wind? Should we take fate into our hands permanently and tie tubes of some sort? Should be opt for a less permanent solution? What the hell should we do? Why was no one telling us what to do?

We know how to make decisions about IVF. What med protocol to use, whether or not to use assisted hatching or ICSI or how many embryo's to transfer. But whether or not to use birth control... We are SO not equipped for that! We have never had to make decisions about that

So after a lot of talking, soul searching and information gathering it was an IUD. Something semi-permanent but not permanent enough that #4 was out of the question. No decision truly felt like the right one. I guess losing our fourth baby did such a number on us that it was hard to tell which end was up. And why the hell am I still writing in the past tense?!?

But as I sat there waiting for the doctor to come put this foreign device into my uterus I heard the sweet sound of an unborn babies heart racing away on a doppler. The decision felt less obvious. I texted a person that steadies me in those world shaking moments and she held my hand. When the "device" was in place the world kept turning. No faults erupted allowing the earth to swallow me whole. It was okay. So for now I am not capable of having any babies. And for now that's okay.

It still makes me sad that after ten plus years of infertility I am still so mind numbingly out of control of my own fertility. Somehow the remote possibility of conceiving on my own makes this whole process feel a million times harder. I am just hoping that time and healing and living my life will make this whole thing feel a hell of a lot less muddy.